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[5:38PM] |
Joseph and me, 'til the wheels fall off.
he tells me one night that the rocks on our beach look like mountaintops, rising through the clouds that slip through his feet everyday.
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[6:30PM] |
like everything i touch is fragile
and everything is small.
i look like a giant in pictures,
i look round and blurred like morals, and sin,
in the mirror, i am smaller, more beautiful.
and somewhere i know
that smaller
is not more beautiful-
just smaller.
i am beautiful and large,
but beauty
does not keep
my fingers
from crushing small things,
things i try to touch
and hold
but that shiver
and fall
through the cracks in my hands
like dust
like sand through the waves
like lives
through life.
I am large
and beautiful
and try to be gentle
but my strength
is destruction
hidden in acquiescence.
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[2:39PM] |
HEY GIRLS!!!!!!
it's 4/20, muthafucker!!!!!!!!!
so, i smoke pot with my brother and wonder when i will grow up. I know I am beat, i have been for months, and i have that everlasting sentence type hopelessness that things will never change.
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[9:08PM] |
it's all so bittersweet. it is ONLY bittersweet.
on the first day of vacation, kati is gone.
and still i cannot figure out why i am so sad, because we didn't hang out that much. but she was so amazing, and she did alot for me. she made me feel worthwhile, she made me feel real, well, normal, ALIVE.
see you soon, and it will be so much better than it has ever been.
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[8:01AM] |
( read it )
that's all folks
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[2:56PM] |
it was like he had unzipped my head,
messed everything up inside so that memories became fractured and misplaced.
i ran home, asking my mother, "what kind of pride could kill me like this?" she only stared back, looking for anything familiar in my eyes to grasp hold of.
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[2:53PM] |
p.s. JE T'ADORE MADAME. TU EST TRES GENTIL, TRES MIGNONNE, ET AUSSI LE MEILLEUR FEMME.
so, ms. bucci, what do you think? yeah, me too. let's do this shit up right soon.
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[7:28PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
library whispers make techno beats |
] |
3. i wish i saw you as tangible, real, not a cloud of stars traveling faster than everyone else. and you look and think it's love, but you know you just want to touch it and know it's there, then remember it. but no amazing night will ever come, no chance to fly. but you are too bright to look away from. when we talk, your eyes shift and look at the air around my form, missing my eyes. i have no look at something stellar or intrinsic, only something that resembles myself. wipe the fog off the mirror, look. i like the way i look now, but something needs to give with this and putting shit up my nose can't be good but it tastes amazing to feel this way it's constant, expensive, false and true. the air remains thick and i tell myself, sleeping, "suicide is just a way to release warmth when it is cold outside". i never listen never look, just change the frequency and the nuber three bounces off sattelites, something stellar in it's melancholy waves.
IX-VI
something else became my self, i moved like liquid, shifting my shape to become anything but familiar. release through me, 1000 beats per second, mass of bodies, breathing the same breath, traveling like stars on the black ceiling, lasers shooting through fog and smoke, the thump through the sidewalks before you even see it. i feel lost in the pants that flood my legs, ripple like waves as i become the sea, pull and push with the moon's soundwaves that crank through the atmosphere. forget where you come from, who you know, where you live, what your agenda is, forget that the world is round and remember how the flooding water felt beneath your hot feet as you dance upon it and breathed the night. scream to see someone famous, someone better, scream to her so she can hear your want and she delivers full force, ruins the floor above your head. matter is atainable, shifting every second, and to feel such a transfer is indescribable
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[3:11PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
i felt to cry
and bleed all over myself,
wishes of youth
in s
t
e
a
d
of aches and all i cried
were sorries
sometimes other people
through tear ducts.
i asked her, "where are you now?" and she relied with the wind in her breath, it was autumn for two words and then the snow fell again
and there's a light that
never goes out,
it is in her eyes
but my eyes are dark without her reflection.
*i miss my friends
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[2:59PM] |
still grounded.
i have a mohawk.
i feel like maybe i should die and be something bigger somewhere else.
i need some love or life, some kind of real friendship.
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[2:45PM] |
The Generic Teenager Stereotype
Do you drink [alcohol]?: not unless i am really sad
Do you party a lot? How often?: Nah, once every 2 months maybe
Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: mmmhhmmmm
How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: alot
Do you skip classes? How often?: nope
Do you have casual sex? Protected?: yes to both
Do you steal?: no
Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: only on the weekends ;)
Do you drool over celebrities?: colin farrell
Do you watch a lot of TV?: Not really
Do you ever watch the News?: no
Do you even care about world issues?: Yeah
Do you read books often?: I should, but I don't
Are you failing a lot of your classes?: no just math
Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: yeah
Do you smoke cigarettes?: yeah
Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: are you stuppid?
Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: yeah
Do you cuss a lot?: awwww shiiiiiit, y'all dunno who tha fuck you's fuckin with gangsta
Are you desperate to fit in?: no
Are you intelligent?: i'd say yeah
The Goth Stereotype
Black lipstick?: no
Black eyeliner?: no
Black eyeshadow?: no
Black trenchcoat?: still no
Black boots?: okay, this is getting a little ridiculous...
Black fishnets?: stop
Black nail polish?: NOW
Cigarettes?: that's better
Heavy metal music?: i thought metal heads listened to metal, not goths..
Marilyn Manson?: no
Kittie?: yeas i have one.......;)
Cradle of Filth?: ewwwww
Constant frown and perpetual angst?: nope
Do you like to be seen as: Myself
Are you an intellectual?: of course, holmes
An atheist?: no
Horrible home life?: eh
Hopelessly depressed?: nah
Suffering with suicidal idealations?: no
Self-mutilation?: uh-uh
The Punk Stereotype
Plaid?: shirts yeah
Big black boots?: ewwww... Marshalls much?
Mohawk?: maybe. i was thinking about it today in creative writing
Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]: nada
Loud, confident and opinionated?: hell yeah
Wild hair colors?: reformed
NOFX?: occasionally
Rancid?: Tim Armstrong, yeah
Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: rather
A: well A you too, asshole!
The Jock Sterotype
What's your IQ?: higher than yours
Do you watch a lot of sports?: ick. only swimming
Play a lot of sports?: TONS
Talk a lot about sports?: geez
Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: yes
Are you arrogant?: yeha
Are you a male or female whore?: yeah, $500 baby
Are you homophobic?: yeah, sure....AHAHAHAHAH
Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: not really
But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: again with the no
Boobs = yes?: don't havem, don't wantem
Parties = yes?: nah
Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: no
The Girl Stereotype
Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: sadly, yes
Have you ever been on a diet?: yeah
How much did you lose?: 25 this summer
Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: kinda
Make yourself throw up?:nah
Make-up?: no thanks, i have a cock
Low-cut tops?: sure
How big are your boobies? [Cup size]: non existant
Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: no
Giggle a lot?: no
What's the deal with boys?: Men suck my .... life...
Pretty bras?: no
YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: naw
Who's the weaker sex?: females
Are you a feminist?: no
Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: in fight club
How often do you shave your legs?: never
Are you emotional?: yeah
Especially when on your period?: what's that?
This Or That [Oh, that old coconut.]
Originality or Acceptance?: originality brings acceptance
Independence or Companionship?: Companionship
Stability or Freedom?: freedom as of now
Personal or Interpersonal?: interpersonal
Introvert or Extrovert?: both
Popularity or Isolation?: either works
Unique or Loved?: isn't that the same thing?
Understood or Individual?: both
You or Them?: ????
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[2:52PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
indecisive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
court stop looking at my poem |
] |
i feel emaciated,
thin from too little sleep,
too many cigarettes
(i could have been a model
if i lived in the 50's).
i feel like i am withered,
i feel frail,
a flower with faulty roots
due to lack of sunlight,
weak, unstable.
i drove to a city without a liscence,
it was late, dark,
the lights bled onto the windshield
and i cried longtemps,
bleeding more. I drove
myself to do things
i had not done since i was thin
last year,
since i wasn't gaunt.
and that is where you find me,
my beauty,
the cheekbones carved out
like a porcelain block
shaved and clean, defined.
i am thin,
i am yours.
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| go to town, kiddies |
[8:20PM] |
1. give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. how long have you known me?
3. when and how did we first meet?
4. what was your first impression?
5. do you still think that way about me now?
6. what do you think my weakness is?
7. do you think I'll get married?
8. what makes me happy?
9. what makes me sad?
10. what reminds you of me?
11. if you could give me anything what would it be?
12. how well do you know me?
13. ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? Want to tell me now?
14. do you think I could kill someone?
15. describe me in one word.
16. do you think our friendship is getting stronger, weaker, or staying the same?
17. do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
18. are you going to put this on your live journal and see what I say about you?
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| i am right here amanda |
[5:19PM] |
something about me
court told me to write that. waitng to do the second performance of the day. it's been a while, eh? So, my past couple of weeks:
almost failed french but talked my way out of it i am extremely exhausted and i have to start doing all of my homework but i am so fucking tired i have to stay after an hour a day to do homework that is part of the french agreement the play is going well i miss chris clark i havent talked to him in ages i still want mitchell brown but he believes he is straight and i accept that i am having a soiree at my house with a few people tonight after mama l's i need sleep and i need to do my homework my mom drinks too much and is jealous i need a job i need a boy i have been writing alot and
i am tired of telling you about my life. i am excited about my life. i think i like it but i feel like a few people haven't really warmed up to me fully. i dont care. i just want to bask in these good days. you know you are happy when you smile even though bad stuff is happening.
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[6:29PM] |
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Hey! Mira and Tim here! WE be str8 thuggin ova hea on tha izie. So we are a t her house on the island. we will be going to a cemetary soon to scare the shit out of tyler kennerson, because he is going therr to scare us. what a fucking lame-o!we walked along the beach and i thought of chris clark's song i smelled like you when i woke up. WE listen to the clash. Hey Mira, got anything to say?
Mira: Hey Tim, say something articulate and meaningful.
Tim: Okay:
Mira: Nice job. That's really articulate.
Tim: Let's make love on the back porch.
Mira: You forgot the condoms (wink wink jesse theater class wink wink). And then Tim, you say "it is called saran wrap". or if you are really kinky, aluminum foil.
Tim: no
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[6:17PM] |
poetry reading = soooooo kickass
-----------i really appreciate our talented maggots. wow. jesse moore how amazing you are. kelly, great writing. anni, yay songs!
dancing w/ amanda today = even better
------------you make me so happy.
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[3:43PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pretty fucking good |
] |
i had such a fucking amazing night last night. i don't remember it all in order, but i think i do.
so, my dad and his girlfriend were eatching The Hunted, a shitty ass movie, so I go outside into the tent they slept in the night before and phone Emma in VT. We talk for a bit, and god I love her. I go back inside, and I am kind of bumming because my plans fell through with Ms. Laura and numerous others, so I go in the basement and listen to On A Wire which i haven't listened to in forever and i feel a little better. The n i sat outside and lit a tiki torch and listened to mt.erie on cassette. and wrote a poem. look for it in fishtales kids.
Then my brother comes home, and we go downstairs and start smokin some cigs and talk a little. and then he pulls out the Southern Comfort. Oh god. I decided last night: I am irish. i love being irish. i am going to drink, in moderation. fuck my morals, i wanna drink. So we start on the bottle, smoke more cigarettes, talk alot more, drink more, i put on the microphones, we smoke more- you get the idea. I just realized last night that i should drink if i want to. i have the urge, and i don't. so i am goiong to. we are irish brothers, i love him, drinking will bring us closer. it always does.i can't explain it to you; it was just amazing to see that something i protested for so long is actually progressive in my life. drinking is part of my family. i won't drink like henry does, but drinking once in a while is okay. i guess i found a grey space last night, and realized not everything has to be extreme. watch the boondock saints and you'll understand the way we are.
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[7:19PM] |
p.s.
jake looks like some follower of "the cure" in his userpic on "greatest journal.
and anni looks fucking hot.
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[4:19PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
./alone
the nullification of theory.
prerequisites: may trials. unanimous proof.
one trial proving validity versus ninety-nine offering disqualification
leaves a lingering doubt in the mind of the scientist.
./doubt
inflicting a great many insecurities
in the minds of the thinkers and unique minds
where there is no place for such self-deprication
and do people i see walking the streets at two am
with headlights profiling their aura feel this alone.
it is a highly improbable theory. but still there is doubt.
headlights in the night
they refuse to illuminate and provide little sanity these october nights.
can the air smell so sweet and full of decay all at once?
do you feel this way too?
i wonder in my bed if your love is fake
and i wonder in shades of red if you talk about me in cars.
i will still send you my book of grays and blues
and photocopy lives
but will you send it back and will you be truthful?
am i still alone?
will i still be alone in ireland and newyork.
and are you alone in maine?
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